Phobia of the milkmachine

Dear Amir,

Aunty Hetty wrote in her blog about how your friend, Yazid hates the stroller, that really reminded me of my ongoing headache with our breastfeeding struggle and the jealousy that results whenever I see moms nursing their babies, looking so content.. the hunky dory scene.

The case started naturally on the first day of your life. You were brought to me within an hour after you were born complying to the bfeeding-frenly hospital policy. We (mama, Tok Ma, the nurse) try to latch u on but u was very hesitant. Almost like shaking your head to say ‘No!’. Mama was worried. Then the nurse declared “Ala..you got inverted nip…” She then proceeds to pull and tug my shy equipment furiously as if it was a piece of stubborn play-doh. Tok Ma looked at me gave me the “What the toot!” look . I was horrified. And then she decided to start to tonyoh2 your head to my breast. Of course you were unhappy, retreated and gave up. Surprise2, the nurse aka the crazywoman also gave up and said something about my malfunction nips. BLAMING me for the ordeal that SHE caused both of us and Tok Ma. Then she told me to do something about it cos she doesn’t have time to handle me alone. Tok Ma just asked her to leave in fear that she will start playing with your fragile head again. I wanted to scream and immediately lodge a complain then but thought it was just my hormones taking over. Writing about it now I can still feel my blood simmer, so I guess it was a genuine feeling and she deserved to be terminated lah! (Did I mention, she has long finger nails and it was poking your cheeks while she tried to ‘help’ you to my breast). Anyway, that’s that. After the incident, we tried with other nurses which were waaaaaaaaaaay more gentle and professional. They were also unsuccessful and by then you and I (and my nips) were exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Ok it’s clear that the memory of my first attempt to bfeed u still haunt me vividly. We tried and tried again when we got you home later. Needless to say Mama has succumbed to bottle feeding in between the tries, so there goes my Mistake No 1. But what a (new) mom to do? I can’t leave you crying in hunger can I?

Many schools of thoughts shared their tips with me and I followed each and every of them. Bought few gadgets to help ‘enhance’ my equipment. Keep on shoving the malfunction thingy to you. The crazy thing is that you will start to wriggle and cry once it reaches your mouth. So forget about proper latching on la, positioning la.. it is as though you have some sort of phobia of the boobies the moment they came in contact with you. And when I managed to latch on (occasionally, usually when u're half concious) you will suddenly become wide eyed and angry even though you were almost dozing off before it.

My milk supply was another issue. Ironically it came quite fast, unlike some moms who have to wait for it to arrive. Then it deteriorates at a mind-blowing rate, even though I was pumping to keep the supply. I guess it's because the rightful consumer is not working at it on his ownla.. Mama ate all sorts of milk enhancing food and even got the makcik urut to do her stuff. Her diagnosis was.. “takde rezeki.. " Arrghh tensionnya..Here comes my Mistake No 2 : Being depressed and angry at myself for such a disability. Of course, it decreased my milk supply even further.

I also resorted to a great support group consisting of mainly experienced friends and family. Aunty Hetty suggested I see a lactation consultant but I didn’t. And that was Mistake No 3. Till today I just couldn’t understand and cant explained why on earth I did not do it.

Well, anyway Amir, despite all the struggle and failures, you have grown to be a healthy 4 mths old now. I guess that is all that matters. I’m also slowly coming to terms with the fact that I cant breastfeed, probably because I really cant or because I didn’t do all that is necessary (refer Mistake No 3).

Nevertheless, Aunty Hetty recently suggested relactating and having read through articles on this, I think it is possible and wanna give it a try. I’ve started the introduction phase.. something that involves familiarizing you to the (inexistent) nips. Much to my delight, you have outgrown your phobia and beginning to suck (although it doesn’t result in any output cos I’m now all dried up) Sometimes the sucking is followed by a smirk and a let-me-go screams and pushing.. Sometime u smiled and chuckled which made me feel a bit weird. Think you got them confused with a toy/teether now.

This time Mama will try all necessary to make it work. In fact, I’ll set an appointment with the consultant soon. Hope this’ll give us second chance at bfeeding.. and that I wont turn green of jealousy looking at bfeeding moms again.

"Say what??? We're trying again??"