Lost it

Dear Amir,

I'm at Tok Ma's house today, trying to complete the backlogs before my maternity leave. Really not in mood go to office and climb those stairs.. penat. Afterall all i need is my handphone, laptop and internet to get going.

Am feeling really down and upset at the moment. Never felt this overpowering hormonal thingy ever since the start of this pregnancy..or even in previous pregnancy. Hari ni rasa nak marah je. I dunno wat sparked it. I sleep well last nite. Had a wonderful weekend, tiring maybe, but enjoyable nonetheless. Went to Yazid's 2nd bday party (had my fix of nasi dagang tganu) and on Sunday we attended Papa's college reunion brunch which was also cool. Did lots of shopping in the span of the last 3 days, for little adik and ME.. something i've never done since ages. Really, i cant remember the last time i bought anything desirable for me (except for those time that it's a necessity, like a spoilt handphone, new undies.. etc)

This morning, you were extra clingy and cried a few rounds while asking me to carry you. And within minutes, i lost control and shouted like a madwoman. Not towards you but just a loud wail, like a madwoman. I came back to my senses when kakak came and nicely coaxed you to go feed the fish with her. And here i am now, feeling bllerrgghh! (i dont even have a word for it)

What's wrong with me? I had an easy pregnancy - comparatively speaking. And there's you, the ever obedient boy except on some rare days. My work is veryvery flexible and on really bad days, i can just delegate everything and sleep if i wanted to. So why am i feeling down like this? Maybe cos when you cried this morning and asked me to carry you, i cant. I really cant cos it's just impossible now. Sighh..

Little adik, i hope i'll see you as soon as it is safe.. which is next week, the 37th week. I dont think it's conducive to stay inside there anymore, cos i may be passing this negative feeling to you. I hope you'll come out a happy n content baby, just like your brother. I'll see you soon girl. And Amir, sorry that you have to see that ugly (and emberassing) side of me just now. It wasnt either one of u.. it's just me.. and my hormones.