Dear Amir,
A lot has happened during the last 24 hours. Or at least it seems like it.
Your flu and cough still hasnt subside but you are in a much better state now. Hence, my zombie face is back in office, again skipping lunch so that i can organise my thoughts and be here with you.
So yeah, the last 24 hours saw me spending time alone with you and your cough n sneeze. In between you short naps, i contemplate on the followings
1. write a resignation letter to my current employer
2. fax that letter out
3. vacum the house
4. pump my long-lost bmilk
5. change the layout of this blog
6. bake cupcakes
7. finish my work assignment and email boss
8. study for my exam next week (hahahahhahahahahahahahaha...)
Basically many things occured yesterday.. but i guess only in my brain. The rest of my day was actually mostly spent carrying you around and holding you tight while you sleep (hence inviting all the random thoughts in my head). Although i tried to keep it calm earlier, i guess the truth prevailed. I'm worried sick looking at you in this state my dear. Berair mata Amir, berairla mata mama, Amir nangis, mama nangis lagi kuat... God! it's so consuming..
The most consuming part is the familiar guilty feeling again. Whenever you fell sick, and this is only the 2nd time (the first was mild demam cos of the jab, but i'm counting that in) i will feel this huge pang of guilt for being a major cause to it simply cos i did not bfeed you hence provide u the necessary antibodi. Everyone who have seen my attempts knows how i've tried, and it's definitely not a concious decision of mine not to breastfeed, but it feels that I am at fault anyway.
Oh well Amir.. I think this is one of those thing that will last forever just like the stretch marks you gave me :)
Sapiens By Yuval Noah Harari
4 years ago
4 comments:
yay, ur updating regularly now, GREAT! :)
hey don't feel bad abt the bf thing tu. and fyi, even bfed babies pun fall sick from time to time. don't blame urself like that. at least you tried. but anyway if ur serious abt wanting to relactate, there r quite a lot of sources online. u can also speak to a lactation consultant abt it. ape2 pun, as new parents we all try to do our best, in our own way for our babes. and i'm sure amir knows that deep down :)
cheer up. and if u do bake em cupcakes, dont forget to call us over eh. hehehe :) (boleh tempah for yazid's bday? kehkehkeh)
wow..that's fast hetz..
thank you for 'inspiring' me to update mine now..
yeah, i thk i'm up for the relactate challenge.. that'll be a lot of story to blog abt..
the cupcakes - finally trying to use the recipe book u guys gave me for bday gift.. hope membuahkan hasil.. insyaAllah..lemme try few rounds and ensure it's edible first
relax la... jgn tension2 sgt. not good for u and worse for amir. i actually bought 'napiers nursing tea online' when i was pregnant with aliyah, worried takut tak cukup b/milk. only took it twice cos fortunately my b/milk byk. still feeding (she's 10 months nx week). kalau dekat dgn u, i boleh pass the tea.. nak post rasanya tak baloi! if u really want it, i boleh la post...
into baking? gud! i do that too.. therapeutic!
nikmummy, don't be too hard on yourself. that guilty feeling won't ever go away (bet the stretch marks won't too. argh..) but the best we mummies can do is pray hard and try to make them as comfy as we possibly can whenever they're ill. my very blunt Husband said this once (I smacked him hard for it, but it makes a morbid kind of sense!); "What doesn't kill us will make us stronger" (he said this when Gib was sick! geramnya...mulut takde insurance). But it made a strong but blunt point. Alhamdulillah, we're very blessed that our babies get only the usual flu / cough / fever. Insyaallah they'll come out stronger!
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