And your pregnant mom speaks

Dear Amir,

Both of us are having blocked nose at the moment. Tok Ma is even worse, she cant get up and her blood pressure is on the rise again. Today, you vomitted trice, each time after taking your milk. Doc asked us to have a good rest. I think that's wat all of us need, your tok ma especially. Luckily you 'obey' and slept early today (you've been sleeping at 11pm since last week), allowing me some extra me-time.

So now i feel like ranting. Things at home are pretty normal except for the fact that we have weaned you off our bed.. hopefully permanently. As my tummy is getting bigger and moving from side to side while sleeping is becoming a big task now, we decided that I dont need an extra challenge in the form of you sleeping on my tummy, kicking it or simply commanding more space than that occupied by an obese pregnant lady. Anyway, what we did was to spread few layers of duvet across the floor in our bedroom and scattered it with your favourite sleeping aids, including Pooh and my aussino body pillow which was a saviour during pregnancy.. but nevermind that! So what we have now is every inch of our king size bed and a lot more peaceful sleep. In fact you have been sleeping more soundly too cos you can 'roam' more freely now. Anyway, thanks to Papa who made this work by waking up for your nite feeds and settle you back in when you wake up since i've become very immobile once i hit the sack lately.

Anyway, like i said, i'm becoming 'more pregnant' now, if there's such an expression. I'm forever panting, starting to waddle a bit and my tummy.. my! they're huge and so round this time. Che' Su said that i actually look pregnant this time. Siot je.

We have picked up a name for your little sis. Finally a name that both Papa and me agree on. Well, little adik better be a girl now cos we went through a lot for that name.. heheh.. and yes, i admit, i've fallen in love with the pink section of the baby/kids department. Anyway, we'll get a second confirmation early next mth when i go for my 32nd week check up (wow.. so fast!)

Bed- cleared, Name-settled.

As for clothings, i have managed to resist the temptation and hasnt spent on anything yet. Afterall tok ma brought her (yes, very gender specific items/colours) quite a number of things on her holidays last month. All i need to do now is go through your clothes and separate it according to sizes for kakak to wash again. As for other stuff, i think we have pretty much everything already. I'm thinking of a playpen, the two level kind, to place at tok ma's house. That way we dont have to move the cot back n forth from tok ma's to our house and it will be a safe place for her, you know, away from curious and very involved elder brother, for instance.

I'm also thinking to 'wear' little adik later. Been doing some reading on babywearing. Tempted to order some stuff already but perhaps wait till she arrivelah.

One issue that is always on my mind now is breastfeeding. I'm definitely going to give it a go again this time. I think it'll be much better this second time around. Maybe cos the anxiety is not as great kot. I mean even if I cant, i can say that i'm prepared for that too. This time i'm going to try harder. Am thinking of investing in a good electric pump. Maybe that will help. But like other things, i think i can wait and we see how it goes laterlah. When it was during your time, i can almost say i dont have much milk. I never experience engorgement. I take half hour to pump a sheer 1 oz. 1 oz! When i shifted to use the Medela pump, i can produce 3 oz per pump. But by this time you have doubled your intake already..sighh..My breast never felt hard n heavy.. biasa je. Pump ke tak pump sama je. I tried 2 types of pump, tok ma taught me the old fashion manual way, but most of the time i try, all that i can see is only few sad droplets trickling down. Let down? Almost never. The only time i can positively see/feel letdowns are during hot shower. But as soon as i step out and reach out for the pump.. dah, gone.

Anyway, i've been reading up, watching videos, visiting forums. Trying to have a new start at this. Trying to be positive while not trying to be too hopefull.. else anxiety and same old story again. Anyway, if i do succeed this time, i wonder how would that make you feel. How would you react looking at the little one clinging and sucking away. You're always fond of err my equipment there, but i think seeing little adik feeding from it must be a weird thing for you kan? Wow.. i cant wait to find out. I mean it will be so weird, perhaps funny, maybe even pitiful for you.

Going into my 8th month now, i guess i can shed some insight on being pregnant second time around, with you hardly reaching 2. It's all true wat they say in the magazine. It is taxing physically. No matter how heavy and tired i feel, when you cry and want no one else but me, i guess i just have to give in and pick you up. Some ppl frown in disapprovement, some in amazement when i still can carry (13.5kg) you at this state i am. I guess it's God's gift to every mother. I cant imagine doing that when i was pregnant with you. But now, it doesnt seem like such a big deal and somehow i will find that extra energy somewhere to mother you even in this condition.

It's also true when they say that mothers are more relax second time around. Yeah, i dont fret over every single thing in this pregnancy. I normally forgot that i'm pregnant half of the time. But now that adik's kicking hard, it's hard not to remember. I guess that's why it's actually not a big deal to have kids with small age gaps. Because you're not a big worry wart anymore (relatively at least). And i strongly believe that mothers are natural multitasker anyway. So having you to take care while having to take care of myself is not like something that I need to sit down and strategize on daily basis. It's very natural.

I often heard mothers say that they want kids far apart so that they can concentrate on each one of them more. Some first time mothers even say that they dont know how it's possible to love more than one kid now that they have the whole world embodied in that one little baby. Well, adik may not be here yet but i can somehow understand this now. It's possible. Whenever i stroke my tummy and talk to her, i feel overwhelmed with love.. a familiar feeling, same feeling i had when we had our conversation before we even met then. But that doesnt mean i love you less at that instance. In fact, when you do join in, it's even better. I'm no good with wordsla when it comes to this but all i can say is that being pregnant with adik hasnt change a single thing about the way i feel for you. And similarly, having you and watching you grow every day doesnt mean that it's harder for me to identify with adik and love her the same way i love you. It's ridiculous! There's no such thing as dividing love watsoever, for me, the feeling just multiply! Well, maybe it gets a little tricky when she arrive and we're talking about attention la.. but as far as i know, i love you both dearly, no doubt about that.

So any regrets so far. No lah. No regret. I think it's a good decision that we have taken, to become pregnant again now. The downsides are there, but very little. 1. I dont get to participate in your active games anymore.. when coincidently you're at the climbing, jumping, wrestling and chasing stage. 2. We have to let go many opportunities for family vacations. Now that you prefer to walk, it's a good time to go on more trips, but now my heavyself pulak not comfy for long trips. When adik arrives, it'll be another good few mths till we can go on holidays without much restriction. But this is feel is up to us la.. where there's a will, there's a way. 3. Sleepless nites, you still wake up for nite feed, even if you dont, i will still need to wake up for my toilet trips, by the time it's over, adik will be waking up for nite feeds and this vicious cycle goes on...

Oh well.. enough rant for tonite.

Somehow i feel really good. Talk about therapeutic blogging..haha