New life so far

Dear Sarah,

It's been a while huh? Been really caught up with YOU, YOU, YOU and Abg Amir of course. I havent started work at the office but at the rate things are going at home, i think being in the office will be my much needed vacation!

Dont get me wrong, i love being with the two of you, 24/7. I can imagine being an emo when i leave you for work later this week. Yes, not yet 60 days but i'm going to office earlier cos 1. lots to settle, 2. am starting to feel my brains rotting away and yes, 3. for my sanity, i need to.. hehe.

We're back home now. Left Tok Ma's place a few days after you turned 1 mth. As much as the house is kelam kabut (we were in a middle of spring cleaning when we last left the house) i really really miss my HOME. In a way it was quite a hasty decision, and maybe not a good timing since you were not in your best mood that week.. org kata 'tukar bulan' so you were crying to no end at nite for several nites.

Over in Tok Ma's, we had Tok Ma to console you, and she works like magic, ambik je terus silent. But few days before we left, Tok Ma was also occupied with other stuff and wasnt home that much so I had to suck it up and survive on my own.. hence the decision to try to 'battle' the sleepless nite at home alone (with Papa of course) while we're at it. Few days was all it took and you were sleeping like a baby throughout most of the nite, in your cot!

It's been a month since we came back home and your temperament has been moving back n forth from amazingly cool to reallyreally cranky at times. You love your bath but hate it when i wash ur head. You nurse directly from me at nite. Take expressed milk in the morning n before bed n formula milk during the day. You need to be rocked to sleep but i havent succumb to the traditional buai yet even though Papa is hinting on the need. He is also suggesting pacifier on some bad days but i am still adamant about not introducing you to that yet, or ever, unless Papa can promise and are confident enough to wean you off it later... and since we havent succeed with Abg Amir i guess we wont start with you lah.

Abang Amir on the other hand is always his cool self. He's quite handy to have around at times. He helps me to fetch stuff for you like the bottle, wipes, blanket. When I pump, he even insist to hold the bottle for me. He constantly shower you with kisses and hugs and he wont allow strangers near you. He understands how to control his geram towards you, so he'll usually come and clench his mouth and fist and shriek your name but when he plays with you, it's ever so gently.

Thank God that he is not jealous of me giving you full attention at home even tho there's no Tok Ma or the uncles and aunty to attend to him. All he need is constant conversation regardless if i'm feeding, bathing or putting you to sleep. He likes to read now and occasionally join me to watch tv, still not cartoon, just some emotion-packed drama for my drama dude (with a condition that i narrate every single thing happening on screen to him relating to his familiar character - so everyone becomes either Mama, Papa, Tok Ma, Tok Pa, Kakak, Che' Su.. etc..and every baby is baby Yaya!) He's also beginning to count and make out sentences so he's quite a handful to layan too.

As for me, i'm awfully tired most of the time. It's frustrating and embarassing to admit since I am one of the luckiest mother on earth with all the help i get, YET I'M STILL DARN WORN OUT! Last few nites were not good, so i end up sleeping as you doze off and even BEFORE you sleep.. leaving everything for Papa to handle. Feel so incapable and selfish and inconsiderate...or simply a bad mother. But despite all these ill-feeling, I am generally veryvery happy and contented. Afterall the sucky feeling always went away as soon I see you coo-ing or sleeping orAbg laughing and fooling around.

Sleep-deprived but happy still

I've also been meaning to make some changes where vanity is concern. Been commiting to my evening walks which i wish to upgrade to jogs or brisk walk soon. Watching wat i eat more closely, but not obsessivelyla. Am also contemplating on wat to do with my hair. Revisiting my make up collection...haha. I need it for myself.. just something i need to do for myself apart from that special someone of course. : ) Tapi i think so far mostly not resulting to anything yet lah.. still old, boring tired-looking ponytailed me. Happier none the less : )

The loves of my life.